Seven Little Lies

I told Mark
I wasn’t a virgin
because virginity was so embarrassing,
because it was my first time,
because he was so experienced.
I found out six years later
I was his first.

I didn’t tell her
but never corrected my mother
when she said that Dwayne was fucking everyone
except me.
I didn’t point out to her
that I was fucking Dwayne
and Ronnie, Tyrone and Tony
Darryl, the other Darryl
and some guy whose name I can’t remember

I told Andrew
I wasn’t at all interested in Tom
even though Tom and I were having sex
every other night.
Andrew found us in bed two weeks later
surrounded by used condoms.
He gave up his best friend.

I told Ronnie
that I’d had sex with a woman
because men like that kind of thing
don’t they?
He told me
it was a sin against god
then asked for details.
I had sex with a woman
just to spite him.

Oh yeah baby,
I told Dean.
Oh yes, yes, yes, like that
like that
god yes
more more
oh oh oh oh
ohhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I’ve told that one to several men.

I pretend to Simon
that everything’s fine between us
now,
and act like we never
spent all night
sleeping naked next to one another,
we never kissed for hours,
pretend we never said I love you
that he never said that he couldn’t handle it
any more.
I don’t dare say to him
I still miss you
I don’t dare wonder
if he misses me too.

I tell everyone
that of course I’m over Simon
that I’d never want him back.

Some days I even convince myself.

First published in Poetry New Zealand 24 (2002)